I cheated on my wife with a younger colleague and now she’s seeing a man from the internetDecember 4, 2018
DEAR DEIDRE: MAYBE I shouldn’t have told my wife I had sex with a colleague half my age. She slammed her wedding ring down on the kitchen worktop and she hasn’t worn it since.
This colleague is 23 and I’m 47. I have been married for 20 years. My wife is 45 and we have two children, aged 11 and eight.
I’d started going out with my colleagues on a Friday night after work. I’d tell this young girl all about my marriage troubles, and she gave me suggestions to get my relationship back on track.
She is very pretty and has a wise head on her shoulders. We were out together one night and we walked to the taxi rank. I shared a kiss with her and then we went down an alleyway and had frenzied sex.
It felt good as I hadn’t been intimate with my wife for so long. The problems at home started when my wife cancelled plans to go away for our 20th anniversary with virtually no notice or explanation.
It wasn’t the first time she’d done something like this to me. I didn’t feel guilty for cheating because I was feeling so rejected.
I’ve tried to talk to my wife about our relationship, our lack of sex life and her changing her mind about things we plan, but she buries her head in the sand.
The only person I can talk to is my young work colleague — though we’ve not had sex again. I did feel bad eventually about my one-night stand so I told my wife. She was heartbroken. The ring came off and it’s stayed off.
I’m still trying to get back in her good books. I’ve bought her gifts and cooked her meals but she says she cannot afford to fall in love with me again because I hurt her so much. She has now started a “virtual relationship” with someone she met online.
They send intimate pictures, videos and messages to each other and they’ve met at his place once for sex. This guy is apparently 40. She says she wants a divorce but I’ve told her she has to start the proceedings. It’s not what I want, though. I want her back.
EVEN in these supposedly enlightened times I often hear from women whose partners don’t see the importance of foreplay and make love like a ro-ro ferry.
If he’s good in other ways, a sexual makeover is the answer.
My e-leaflet Fed Up With Wham-bam? explains all.
Email problems@deardeidre. org or message me on my Dear Deidre Facebook page.
DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like there are lots of unresolved issues under the surface of your relationship with your wife – and that there have been for some time.
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Cancelling fun plans at the last minute could well be to punish you for not pulling your weight in some way at home or with your children. You’ve both cheated to hurt the other but it sounds as though there is still a lot of feeling between you.
Stop confiding in your young colleague. That is asking for trouble. Tell your wife that if only for the children’s sake at first, you two must explore whether you can sort out the underlying tensions.
My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? could help you both take a step back and explains how to organise counselling if needed.